TRIGGER WARNING: the following material may be triggering for some individuals - please read with caution.
When I reflect back on my life I start to see many different story lines. I have a mental health story, an addictions story and a body image story. All of them intertwine but all of them are also very distinct.
I spent years at odds with my body, believing that if I could change how I looked, I’d become a better and happier person. That path led to disappointment, frustration, and to me believing that I’d never be good enough. I decided to flip the script and devote my energy to appreciating the body I already had.
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Body image is such a sensitive topic, sure it's covered in school and we are told to embrace our bodies and love ourselves for who we are, but then we are bombarded with all this social media. Tabloids are telling us what the ideal body is and what is considered fit, healthy, and attractive… and if you do not have those traits or qualities then we are not beautiful. The past few years I have been struggling with body image.
You will prove to yourself very soon that you are worthy of everything good and that love is not something to be earned but something that is already surrounding you. You are loved by so many, now it’s time you learn to love yourself.
I truly thought I would die feeling the way I always felt: addicted to food, hating my body, and truly thinking it was all my fault. It made perfect sense in my struggling. self-hating mind. I was the one binge eating. I was the one unable to maintain a “good weight.” I was failing to meet any of my expectations.
My instinct when asked about my eating disorder is to mystify my “heroic journey” to recovery. Through snarky and impactful commentary, I often simplify the root of my mental disorder to avoid difficult questions. However, a key yet disregarded, element to my story is that for a very long time, I didn’t want to be a woman.
I’ve received treatment more times than I care to count, for a larger array of issues than I care to admit, namely for anorexia nervosa in a variety of settings, inpatient, residential, outpatient, psychiatry wards and medical wards.