The Final Entry
For a decade, time consisted of psychologists, psychiatrists, and hospital admissions; one after another. I was slowly losing the battle, but not fully. A decade of illness finally took its toll on me. I was slowly sinking into a deeper and deeper depression, and feeling real emotions for the first time; especially hurt and anger.
Today, as I recall my past, parts of my sickness still seem so vivid to me and some of the years seem lost, and never to be discovered again. I sit back and think, “it is like I am two different people”. T: the person I was before I got sick, and the person I am today. I am not proud of some of the things I did during what I call my “green days”, but I do like who I am today. I have reached this point today because of that other person who was so desperately trying to surface and finally has. Or maybe that other person was a mask that held all of my emotions that I did not know how to express at the time, or knew I had to. With the support of the many special people I now have in my life, I continue to grow and develop into a stronger person; one that I am very proud of. Memories of that other person I once knew fade as each day passes.
I still have and probably will always have daily reminders of my “green days”, but each day I awake and count my blessings. I have won the battle and I am victorious in finding the journey to inner peace and happiness. I am fifty pounds heavier than that day I was first hospitalized and for the very first time I feel that I am content and in control.
People who get to know the real me, the ones who I have shared this secret with, always ask me what I think caused this disorder in me-was it the media, family, etc.? In part of my healing, I have become less concerned with the causes of this debilitating illness, and more focused on its wonderful after-effects, like the life lessons it has given me. I let go of my “forbidden list” and replaced it with my own goals and dreams….ones I can and will achieve.
I have blossomed from a lifeless soul, void of personality and emotions into who I am today…I have won.
This is my final entry.
Donna Woldanski started life in Sault Ste Marie, Ontario as a daughter of Polish immigrants. After suffering from anorexia and bulimia, an abusive marriage, and a crippling car crash that left her ability to walk in doubt, she went on to become a fine arts major and then a communications executive. Over the years, Donna has participated in a children’s television show, written a successful play about her experiences with eating disorders, and -- despite being told during her illness that she’d never be able to have children -- is now a happy and loving mother of a son. Currently, Donna works as a communications consultant and can be contacted by e-mail. The following blog post is an excerpt from Donna’s play “The Final Entry”.